Harry Learns the Facts of Life
by Evie2
Summary: pg13 for subject matter. a long start, but harry ends up wondering just where do babies come from. a hysterical adventure as he asks numerous people he shouldn't be asking. plus, for some reason snape think's hermiones pregnent and that harry's, well, rea
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Hey y'all, I don't own Harry! (although I wish I did.... ew. ew. ew. he's 12. I'm definitely NOT 12. ew. ew.)  
  
Ron's Big Announcement  
  
This was not good. Definitely not good. Harry knew the dangers that one Weasley on his own could present, but when four of them congregated, all hope was lost.  
"Hermione? What color is my hair?"  
Hermione looked up from her book, rather bemused (and rightfully so).  
"Well....it's black Harry," she said slowly.  
"Hmm, okay, what about my eyes?"  
"Er, they're green. Really, someone ought to get you a mirror," she sighed as she returned to her book. On a second thought, she looked up again. "Why do you ask?"  
Harry didn't need to explain. All he did, was point very cautiously at the Weasley meeting. Hermione understood his apprehension immediently. That many red heads that close was never a good sign.  
"I think I've had a change of heart," Hermione stated.  
"How's that?"  
"I am very anxious to get to potions!"   
"Right then. Feel like a morning jog?" Harry said as they flew out the door, and down the dungeons, wondering just how many dung bombs they had escaped.  
  
"A little early, aren't we Mr. Potter? Ms. Granger?" Snape smirked at them as they entered the potions lab.  
"Well...we were really anticipating today's lesson," Hermione quickly lied. Harry was impressed. Lying to a teacher was a first-class offense for Hermione. Then again, it was Snape.   
"And what exactly is today's lesson? I don't believe I told you." Harry could almost see the laughter in Snape's eyes, thinking he'd caught Hermione at something.  
"Well, sir," Harry piped up (with slight fear for his life), "it is my theory that one can never be too ready to learn. Education always comes first."  
Snape blinked a few times and stared at Harry, turned away, turned back, sat down at his desk, shaking his head. "I'm not ready for that level of deception this early in the morning, Potter. Try pulling that stunt later, when I feel more like handing out detentions."  
Harry could hardly believe that there was a time of day Snape didn't want to make students miserable, but he was greatful enough that he had not been ripped to shreads that he didn't ask any questions. He and Hermione sat down at the usual table.  
"So, I haven't heard any screams, any gasps of horror," Hermione wispered, "what do you think's going on?"  
"I dunno," said Harry, "but they looked pretty serious. I think they've finally decided to band together and do Mrs. Norris in."  
"I wish," Ron said as he sat down beside them.  
"Ron! Blimey, you scared my socks off!" Hermione scolded. Indeed, one white sock went scuttling across the floor. (A/N: I don't know. I just don't.)  
"Ron, didn't you eat breakfast?" Harry asked.  
"Nah. Didn't feel like it," Ron muttered.  
Harry and Hermione drew back from him, as they would from a time bomb. Ron hadn't eaten? This was serious.  
"What's wrong Ron?" Hermione whispered.   
"My mum....." He trailed off.  
"What? Oh no, has something happened to your mum?!" Hermione exclaimed.  
"No, well, yes, but it's not bad...well, it is bad...but it's good....It kinda depends how you look at it," Ron stammered.  
Hermione's eyes widened with revelation. "No...way," she breathed.  
"Yeah," Ron muttered. "That's right. ANOTHER one."  
Harry was completely lost. He looked back and forth between his friends, but neither would explain. Ron's ears were pink with embarressment, and Hermione looked like she was on the verge of a heart attack.  
"I would have thought your mum was too old to, well," she looked up at Ron, "no offense by that."  
Harry's impatience gave way. "Would one of you tell me what's going on?"   
"Well, isn't it a little, er, obvious?" Ron mumbled as he blushed even more.  
Seeing the puzzlement continue, Hermione sighed and spelled it out for him. "Harry, Ron's mum is pregnant."  
"PREGNANT?!" Harry exclaimed, jumping out of his seat. Ron and Hermione both slapped their hands over his mouth, but unfortunately, Snape had heard him. Fortunately, he was too busy being attacked by a rogue sock to ask any questions.  
"Can you be any louder, please?" Ron hissed at him.  
"Sorry, I'm just, well, I'm a little shocked," Harry managed. A little shocked couldn't describe it. How could Mrs. Weasley be pregnant again? Harry didn't know much about pregnant women, but he was pretty sure that at some point, Mummies were supposed to stop being Mummies, like, maybe around child number eight would be a good place.  
"You're a little shocked! Think about me! It's been thirteen years since she had Ginny! We just can't afford to have a baby!" Ron practically shouted the last part. Snape, finally getting the freakishly strong sock subdued, returned his attention to the conversation. "Anyway," Ron said in a lower voice, "we just got Percy's owl today."  
"I bet your mum's thrilled," Harry said, just so he could say something.  
"Yeah," Ron rolled his eyes. "I hope it isn't another girl." A moment of awkward silence ensued, during which Harry rummaged through his bag.  
"Arg, I forgot my potions book!" he sighed. "Be right back." He dashed towards the door.  
"Ron, are you going to be okay?" Hermione asked.  
"Yeah, it'll be alright. At least she's not having grand children yet," he offered a joke to lighten the mood.  
Something flickered over Hermione's face. "Ron, there's something I haven't told you..."  
Ron blanched. Hermione let him suffer for a minute and then started to giggle. "Not really!" she said, holding her head in her hands as the laughter shook her body.  
In a moment of dramatic acting, Ron put his hand to his head and pretended to faint from the shock. This just made Hermione laugh more as she fell to her knees next to him on the floor.  
  
The last scene, from Snape's POV  
  
Potter and Granger came to class today no less than a half hour early. Potter made some smart remark about why, but I just get too sick of him to be sick of him sometimes, so I let it fly. I'll have to make up for it later.  
Anyway, I noticed they were doing a lot of whispering. Ms. Granger certainly did look nervous about something. I wasn't really surprised when that Weasley boy made his grand entrance a moment later. He talked with Granger, Potter looked confused, until he stood up and shouted to Granger, "Pregnant?!". Granger, with child?! I couldn't believe it. I was about to give her a detention for promiscuity, when I was suddenly attacked by a sock. The next thing I heard, Weasley was explaining to Granger why they couldn't afford to have a baby. Ah, Weasley's the father, eh? Detention for him too! Potter shook his head and walked off. Obviously caught in the middle of a love triangle. Looks like three detentions, now! He gave his sympathies to the young couple in the form of "congratulations". Granger put her head in her hands, and I suppose she was crying. Weasley went and fainted. Then the rest of the class came in, and they pretended nothing was going on. I'll have to make out my detentions later.   
  
Moving on.....  
  
Harry was making his way to Griffyndor tower to get his potions book, thinking about the conversation he'd just had. So, Mrs. Weasley's pregnant again. Good for her. I wonder why Ron and Hermione seemed so upset? Maybe because the Weasleys don't have enough money for another baby? Well, maybe they could just ask the baby to wait a little longer before being born, so they could save up or something. Can they do that? If storks bring muggle babies, do owls bring wizard babies? Are wizard babies made any differently than muggle babies? Wait a minute.....another minute....one more.....HOW ARE MUGGLE BABIES MADE? Now, Harry officially had a problem. Being fourteen years old, he knew enough to know that someone was supposed to tell him, like a mother or father or teacher. Well, he didn't have any mothers or fathers, but he had lots of teachers. He was also smart enough to know that you can't go around asking anyone about baby-making, and that it was somewhat of an unapproached topic. It was sort of like saying Voldemort's name. You just weren't supposed to. So, who was he supposed to ask? Well, Hermione knew everything, he could ask her. He made up his mind and went back to potions class, now accompanied by his book and a pair of socks, just in case.  
  
One Shocked Hermione  
  
Harry had to do it now. Everyone, except Hermione, had left the library to retreat to their dorms. Harry peered over her shoulder at "The Big Book of Magical Footwear". (A/N: i'm getting quite a thing with socks, aren't I?)   
"Hermione?" Harry said quitely.  
Hermione jumped out of her seat, but sighed when she realized it was only Harry. "Harry, you scared the pants off me!"   
After a rather awkward moment during which Harry found himself chasing a pair of kahkis down the non-fiction aisle, he sat down across the table from a properly clothed Hermione and sprung the question.  
"Hermione, where do babies come from?"  
It was very hard to read her expression. At first it could have been shock, then indignation, which slowly melted into what resembled embarressment. "Well, c'mon Harry, you know...."  
"No, I don't. That's why I asked you," he said.  
"But, but, didn't you ever ask your aunt and uncle?" she pondered.  
"I wasn't allowed to ask questions," he reminded her.  
"But what about school! I mean, surely you were taught this!" Harry shook his head. "Well, I suppose not, not at ten years old, and they haven't taught us anything about that here...." She trailed off and searched for any hint of amusement or mischief in his big green eyes. "Well, this is sort of how it goes."  
Harry's head whirled as Hermione spent the next ten minutes speaking what he was sure was Latin. When she finished, Harry felt more confused than when she had started. Seeing this, Hermione just sighed and lead him back down the non-fiction aisle (which was, this time, thankfully free of rebellious pants). She took a book off the shelf and handed it to Harry. Harry took one look at the pictures in it, and handed it right back.  
"Look, if you really want to know, you should ask an adult. Maybe a teacher," she suggested. Harry thought that this might not be such a bad idea. After all, teachers knew how to explain things to children.   
  
The Prude Professor  
  
Most of the halls were clear, but it was still an hour until curfew. Harry had decided to ask a teacher, but which one? He had ruled out Snape first thing. Moody? No way, he'd probably tell him that making babies was a plot to personally destroy him. Who then? Well, women certainly must know a lot about babies, so he might as well ask a woman teacher. And that might as well be McGonnagal, as she was the head of his house.  
He knocked lightly on the office door and heard a "Come in!" from inside. He felt nervous for some reason about asking her this. He knew Professor McGonnagal was eager to teach, but would she want to teach this? Harry wasn't so sure after seeing those pictures in that book...  
"Mr. Potter? Is something wrong?" she asked.  
"Well, not really, I'm just a little confused about something, and I figured you would know about it, being a teacher and all..." he trailed off.  
Harry was almost sure McGonnagal was pleased he would come to her. Almost.  
"Well, you know Harry, you can always ask me anything. That's what I'm here for, that's why I teach," she said, and gave him a small, encouraging smile.  
Harry sighed and slumped into the chair across from her desk. He plucked up his courage, and asked, "Where do babies come from?"  
The smile faded. However, much to Harry's relief, she wasn't angry. Harry would take a bewildered McGonnagal over an angry McGonnagal any day. She asked him the same questions Hermione did, about his aunt and uncle and why he didn't learn this at muggle school. "I think we should take a walk," she said.  
Harry shrugged and followed her out the door. A walk was okay, as long as she wasn't taking him to the library. He was really hoping there wouldn't be anymore pictures involved. Finally, after a long period of silence, she spoke.  
"Potter, I'm not quite sure how to say this, but I'm not certain that I'm the right person to tell you these things."  
Harry nodded his head. "I didn't want to put you in an awkward situation, Professor."  
"I know, Harry, I know. I just think that'd you find this sort of thing much more comfortable with a gentleman."  
"Okay, thanks anyway," he said, and turned away to head back to Griffyndor tower, almost colliding into Professor Snape while doing so.  
"Anytime, Harry," she called after him.   
Professor Snape gave her an unreadable expression and rashed past her in quite a hurry.  
  
The Last Scene, from Snape's POV  
  
Ever since I over heard Ganger and Weasley tell Potter they were having a child, I've constantly been on the look out for that sort of thing. It just would not do in a school of this sort to have a baby epidemic. And you know how it is with teenagers, if one person tries it, they all want to try it.  
So, I was making my nightly rounds when I came across that despicable Potter boy. I hate the way he's charmed all the other teachers here, but I never thought it would go this far.   
I heard Potter talking to Minerva, telling her he didn't want to put her in an "awkward situation". She told him he'd be far better off with a man. I just can't believe it. Not only am I shocked that Minerva would stoop to something so low, but Harry.....gay? 


	2. The Next Chaper (stay with it, it's long...

Reminder: I don't own Harry, and I'm not pediphile! REALLY! oh......  
  
The Search Continues....  
  
Well, that certainly hadn't gone as he had planned. Harry had asked two different people where babies came from, and he still didn't have an answer! McGonnagal had told him to ask a gentleman, but since he didn't have any of those on hand, Ron would have to do.  
"Ron, Ron, wake up!" Harry said as he shook his best friend.  
"What? What do you want!" Ron said irritably.  
"You've got to answer a question for me!" Harry was desperate from information at this point. He was sure everyone knew about baby-making besides him.  
Ron rolled over and started to pay attention. "Okay, what do you want?"  
"Well, I was kind of wondering, how are babies made?"  
Ron didn't move. His expression didn't change; he didn't even breathe. Finally, after Harry thought he might have actually fallen asleep with his eyes open, Ron opened his mouth. Then he shut it again. After a brief distraction during which the socks in the boys dormitory staged a small protest, something about bleach, Ron made a move to answer his question. Unfortunately, all that came out was:  
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! The resident girl-magnent doesn't know how to.... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!"   
Harry couldn't see what was so funny, but seeing as Ron was turning various shades of blue and purple because of his laughter, he decided he wasn't going to get an answer and went to sleep instead.  
  
The next night, after he had spent most of his day wondering about pictures, laughter, and the S.L.F (Sock Liberation Front), Harry knew who he could ask about babies.   
"Hagrid!" he shouted, knocking on the giant's door, "I gotta talk to you!"  
"Wha'? Wha' is it, `Arry?" (A/N: Unlike J.K., I'm not sure if I get Hagrid's accent wrong or right, so we'll leave it out from now on.)  
"Can I come in?" Harry asked.  
"Sure, sure," Hagrid ushered him in. Thrity seconds later, he'd ushered him back out again.   
"It's nothing personal Harry, but I think you should be asking someone in your family about something like this."  
"Ugh, Hagrid, my family, well, you know, they don't exist...."  
"Oh no. I shouldn't have said that," Hagrid apologized.  
Suddenly, Harry was hit with a revelation. (A/N: which was really good, because I'm making him sound really stupid and innocent) "No Hagrid, thank you! I know exactly what I'll do! Thank you so much!"  
  
The Caveman With No Answers  
  
And so, the next day while the rest of the school was at Hogsmeade, our young hero had set off to find who he was sure would answer his question: his godfather, Sirius Black.  
Harry was very careful going up the steep incline to get to the cave where Sirius was biding his time. When he got there, he pulled off his invisibility cloak and called into the cave. Much to his surprise, a large, very dirty sock sprung onto his chest. Not so much to his surprise, it was chased down and captured by a large, very dirty dog. Harry followed the dog back into the cave and watched as he transformed into his godfather.  
"Well well, this is an unexpected surprise," Sirius said, pulling on his sock. Harry knew that he was trying to repremand him, but he was doing a very poor job of it. He knew Sirius was happy to see him. "But you should tell me before you come. You could have been attacked."  
"By a sock?"  
"Exactly."  
"Well, I was kind of running out of places to go," Harry said.  
Sirius looked up from his newly tamed sock. A look of concern flashed across his face. "Why, what's wrong?"  
"Well," Harry began, "I was kind of wondering if you knew anything about babies."  
"Oh...my...God..." Sirius leaned back against the wall. "I don't believe this..."  
"Well, no one else would talk to me about it, and I figured since you're family..."  
"But you're only fourteen...geez, I should have guessed something like this would happen..."  
"What are you talking about, Sirius?" Harry hadn't seen anyone look so disappointed because of his question.  
"Harry, I know you haven't had a good home life, but that's no excuse to do something like this. You've had enough hardship in your life, but that doesn't give you the excuse to get some girl pregnant! I don't BELIEVE this!!"   
Harry scuttled away from Sirius. "What are you talking about!"  
"A father at fourteen years old!"  
"NO!" Now Harry understood. "I didn't get a girl pregnant! I just want to know how to do it!"  
This didn't seem to cheer Sirius up much. "What do you mean, you want to know how?!?! You're only fourteen, you don't need to be doing stuff like that!"  
Harry was on the verge of tears. Here was the only perental figure in his life, harshly repremanding him just because he didn't understand.  
"Geez Sirius...*sniffle*...I just wanted to know where babies came from. Nobody's ever told me... I was just wondering...."  
Sirius heaved a sigh. "Oh, that's all? Really, that's it?" Harry nodded. "Well then, that's not so bad! And to think that I thought... ha ha!"  
"So you're not mad?" Harry asked timidly.  
"What? No, of course I'm not mad, not about something like that!" Sirius said, looking quite relieved.  
"Okay, so...." Harry ventured, "how does it happen? I know that storks deliver muggle babies, so do owls deliver wizard babies?"  
"Oh yeah, um," Sirius mumbled. "Well, you see, it's kind of like, well, the thing with the stuff, it sorta, well, um, okay, when you get older, er, no, um, okay, I know, there's this chemical, no, er, I don't know...."  
And so, a half hour later, after many "um"s and "er"s and "well..."s, Harry had learned nothing besides that he should "go ask Uncle Remus", and that Sirius was now talking to him as though Harry was four years old, evident by the changing of "Moony" into "Uncle Remus". And so, the next week, Harry sent and owl to Remus (something he should have done a long time ago) asking the infamous question. He was amazed instead of an owl, he got an invitation to come to Remus's house over winter break. (A/N: as you might have figured, a lot of things I put in here don't match very well with GoF, which is the period where this takes place. You'll just have to ignore that.) Although he felt a little apprehensive about this, he went anyway to spend the day there.  
  
Werewolf With Wisdom  
  
Harry was amazed when he saw Moony's house. He had expected him to be somewhat poor, because he always wore those ragged robes, but by the looks of this house, Harry had been very wrong.   
Moony seated him down in the main living room. "Now, first things first," he said. "I was a little disturbed to see your question, you being fourteen and all. I mean, by the time your father was fourteen," he cut himself off. "Never mind, I don't want you to be emotionally scarred because of this."  
And so, for the last time (thankfully, because this story's getting rather long) Harry asked, wide eyed and innocent, "Moony, where do babies come from?"  
He had obviously had sometime to think about this. He cleared his throat and began, "Well, you see Harry, when a mommy and a daddy are very much in love...."  
  
***half hour later***  
  
"Ew," said Harry.  
"I know," said Remus.  
"I can't believe I asked McGonnagal about....that," said Harry.  
"Ew!" said Remus.  
"I know," said Harry.  
  
***************************************  
The next week at school, after winter break was over, Harry felt very good about himself. He was telling Hermione and Ron all about his quest for the truth on the way to class one day. Of course, they were being followed by Snape. This is what he over heard.  
"So, anyway," Harry said, "I finally realized how stupid I had been and went to Sirius. At first he didn't understand what I was trying to say, thought I'd gotten some girl pregnant, but then he understood and we talked, but he decided he wasn't the right person for it."  
"So, who did you go to?" asked Ron, impatiently.  
"Well, Sirius said that Remus was always good for that sort of thing, so I went to see him. And he sat me down and we talked, and I've got my mind cleared up now. I know exactly what's going on."  
"Well, that's a relief," Hermione said, "I was wondering when you were going to stop badgering me and Ron about it. Ooh! I'm late for class! I better run!"  
"Not in your condition!" Ron shouted, (referring of course to her asthma, but Snape doesn't know this) and he and Harry took off after her.  
  
Professor Snape had a heart attack right on the spot, and was mourned by no one, except his now owner-less socks. The end. 


End file.
